i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
