he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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