Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
