THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
