I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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