Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
