there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
