i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Randomize
