Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
