Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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