I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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