I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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