I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I wear drunk well.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
