apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
