Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
