there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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