It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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