i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Randomize
