woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
