my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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