Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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