I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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