He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
