4 words: hood of his car
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
