I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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