Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
