I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
