Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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