I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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