Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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