I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
