Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
