i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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