also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
