Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
