Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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