We won't sleep together?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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