she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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