Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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