Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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