I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
