He asked to "fluff my boner.."
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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