I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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