Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
