I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
