we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
