you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
