My hand turned me down
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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