never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The best revenge is premature balding
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
foreskin is a definite game changer
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
