i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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