Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
